"Its the weekend... baaaaby!" is what we say on Fridays, this was of course, shamelessly stolen from Gareth Cliff but thats a story for another day.
Ive spoken before about the pure, innocent honestly that children process and this was proven once again last night while tucking Raiden in for the evening. She looked at me with such love in her eyes and then blurted out "Your fat mom, you are fat because you are big"
*crickets chirping*
I have no words to say about that, and as much as my heart and soul was crushed and I had to fight back the tears which was welling up in my eyes, I knew she was right. She did nothing wrong, she was not being mean or trying to hurt me, she was just saying it like it is.. the pure innocent honestly. Good thing, I already knew this and already had made plans to sign up with Weighless this week :) So its now my mission - I dont want to be that fat mom, I want to be me.. and as much as being fat is me, it wasnt always me. I used to be young, thin, beautiful! Boys liked me! Boys asked me out and noticed me... and I danced.. I loved dancing.. I was always out dancing and I remember my mom telling me when I was about 18 that if Im not careful, I will end up looking like her.. and I laughed at her.. I said NEVER.. cause I dance, I will always dance!.... Well I stopped dancing, I stopped clubs and the parties.. I choose my husband and my children and settled down - just somewhere around the same time, I forgot to dance and got lazy and FAT! I miss the thin me and I know she is inside this body somewhere, I just need to find her... add on to that, new boobs, a tummy tuck, full body wax and maybe a good facial and I will be back to normal :) Then again, what is "normal".. on who's standards is "normal" set against? For years I have been comfortable in my own skin, I have always known I was on the bigger side of life, but okay with it. Why has this changed now? Maybe its cause Im not getting any younger, Im getting old and I can feel it. I want to be beautiful again, not for the boys or my clubing friends.. for my children, so they can grow up with a good role model and I can lead by example for them. So they wont have to be embarrassed by me, so I can make them proud. For my husband, lets face it - hes a man and all men want a hot chick in their arms as much as they wont always admit it out loud. Sure, they love us... but I want HIM to lust after me. To be proud of his hot wife and maybe then he will want to take me out dancing sometime? LOL
So this is it - this week, Im going to weighless for the first time..I have no great expectations or huge outrageous goals. Im just taking 1 step at a time and going to go with the flow. Im not going to shock my system or myself in any way, but Im going to make this a life changing event slowly and correctly. This is my goal for myself and my family.. to be the very best I can be... for them!
Monday, 30 January 2012
Wednesday, 25 January 2012
The other mother comparison
There comes a time and it happens to all of us at some point, when its as clear and black and white how different you are as a mother compared to other mothers. It could be in the sense of fashion for your child, it could be what you consider to be a "healthy" snack for your child, it could be a lot of things.
Now, please believe me, I know what its like to me a working mom.. Its tough, its emotional and you need to be a super hero to be able to juggle all the areas of life that need your attention, but what should always come first is your own childs safety and well being.
Dillon does ballet on Wednesdays up the road from her play school, she has been going since October last year so what I do to make my life easier is fetch her from school, dress her in the car into her ballet outfit and then take her up the road for her lesson, which is only 30mins long and then we go back to the school to fetch Raiden.. easy! However a few other moms have decided that ballet is good choice for their little ones too, however they are all working moms and their little ones are in the schools aftercare while the moms work, which is fair enough and all good. However there is no way their little ones can get to the ballet lessons, so one of the moms after hearing from the principal that I take Dillon up every Wednesday phoned me up and asked very nicely if I could please take her little one with. NO PROBLEM! I have an extra car seat cause Raiden isnt in the car and its not out of my way. I really dont mind at all. The mom even offered to pay for me for my service which I polity declined as its not out of my way and its really not an issue.
So today was the first day of my little lift club, I arrive at the school to fetch the two little ballerina's when another little girl runs up to me as says to me "Im coming with!". I was like "um, no.. I dont know who you are!" Even the teacher said she knew nothing of this. So I left with the 2 little girls.. went to ballet and then went back to the school to drop off the one little girl and fetch Raiden, when the teacher comes to me and gives me a letter, saying she was just given this for me (think she found it in the little girls bag), I open it infront of the teacher and read it. It was a letter from the little girls mom (the little girl that came running up to me) saying she gives me permission to take her daughter to ballet and thank you. I burst out laughing. I showed the teacher and told the teacher to please tell this mother that I will not be taking her daughter;
a) I only have 2 car seats in my car and both are being used.
b) Her daughters ballet class starts at 14:00, Dillons class starts at 14:30
Now, Im not trying to sound funny... but WHAT THE HELL?
a) This mother did not actually ask me!
b) She has never met me and is willing to trust me with her daughter? No questions asked!
c) Her daughter has a different time slot to Dillon, WTF? What does she expect me to do exactly?
I just dont get it! How as a mother can you do this? Just trust a stranger with your child like this? Even the other mother, whom I am giving her daughter a life to ballet, she at least phoned me and we chatted for awhile, she also seems to know me (seen me in the car park or something!) but this one didnt even phone me?
Even the teacher said its odd, she was telling me that she has a 14 year old and he wanted to sleep over at the friends house and she met the friends parents 4 times before she allowed him to sleep over.. thats what you are supposed to do - check the people out - use your mommy senses to see if your child will be safe enough while in this other persons care.
SCARY MAN!! I dont understand it...
Now, please believe me, I know what its like to me a working mom.. Its tough, its emotional and you need to be a super hero to be able to juggle all the areas of life that need your attention, but what should always come first is your own childs safety and well being.
Dillon does ballet on Wednesdays up the road from her play school, she has been going since October last year so what I do to make my life easier is fetch her from school, dress her in the car into her ballet outfit and then take her up the road for her lesson, which is only 30mins long and then we go back to the school to fetch Raiden.. easy! However a few other moms have decided that ballet is good choice for their little ones too, however they are all working moms and their little ones are in the schools aftercare while the moms work, which is fair enough and all good. However there is no way their little ones can get to the ballet lessons, so one of the moms after hearing from the principal that I take Dillon up every Wednesday phoned me up and asked very nicely if I could please take her little one with. NO PROBLEM! I have an extra car seat cause Raiden isnt in the car and its not out of my way. I really dont mind at all. The mom even offered to pay for me for my service which I polity declined as its not out of my way and its really not an issue.
So today was the first day of my little lift club, I arrive at the school to fetch the two little ballerina's when another little girl runs up to me as says to me "Im coming with!". I was like "um, no.. I dont know who you are!" Even the teacher said she knew nothing of this. So I left with the 2 little girls.. went to ballet and then went back to the school to drop off the one little girl and fetch Raiden, when the teacher comes to me and gives me a letter, saying she was just given this for me (think she found it in the little girls bag), I open it infront of the teacher and read it. It was a letter from the little girls mom (the little girl that came running up to me) saying she gives me permission to take her daughter to ballet and thank you. I burst out laughing. I showed the teacher and told the teacher to please tell this mother that I will not be taking her daughter;
a) I only have 2 car seats in my car and both are being used.
b) Her daughters ballet class starts at 14:00, Dillons class starts at 14:30
Now, Im not trying to sound funny... but WHAT THE HELL?
a) This mother did not actually ask me!
b) She has never met me and is willing to trust me with her daughter? No questions asked!
c) Her daughter has a different time slot to Dillon, WTF? What does she expect me to do exactly?
I just dont get it! How as a mother can you do this? Just trust a stranger with your child like this? Even the other mother, whom I am giving her daughter a life to ballet, she at least phoned me and we chatted for awhile, she also seems to know me (seen me in the car park or something!) but this one didnt even phone me?
Even the teacher said its odd, she was telling me that she has a 14 year old and he wanted to sleep over at the friends house and she met the friends parents 4 times before she allowed him to sleep over.. thats what you are supposed to do - check the people out - use your mommy senses to see if your child will be safe enough while in this other persons care.
SCARY MAN!! I dont understand it...
Monday, 23 January 2012
Swimming and Boobies
SUCCESS! I dont have to wash Dillons bedding today :) *does happy dance* It really is the small things in life that make me truly happy.
Now this is what I cant understand, the girls have been doing swimming lessons for about 3 months now and both of them are doing really really well. I compare them now to their very first lesson, there is a HUGE difference. Their first lesson consisted of them both refusing to even get into the pool and Raiden becoming the "fungus" again as I affectionately used to call her as a baby, hanging onto me like she was growing on my hip. Now, they are blowing bubbles under water and jumping in and Dillon can even swim the length of the pool while holding a board and kicking all on her own. So this very proud mommy comes home twice a week boasting to their father about how well they are doing and how I think the sun shines out of the swimming teachers bum. Dad decides yesterday to come with to watch his little mermaids conquer the pool. Ja hay... I dont know what happened, Raiden became the "fungus" again and Dillon looked like if she was asked to watch paint dry it would be more interesting that taking part in the lesson. So Ive now vowed that until they are swimming for national colours or doing pin dives off a 20m high diving board, dad will not be invited to watch again.
Children are a wonderful way to boost your own self esteem, they are the delight to any mother when it comes to compliments like "Mommy, you look like a princess" or "Mommy, you are so beautiful, I love you so much". This means the world to us moms.. not only do the little creatures that hold the key to our hearts think we are pretty darn awesome, but they have the wonderful ability to be honest... straight forward and pure, honestly at its best! However, this can back-fire when you least expect it. Getting out of the shower this morning, Dillon had climbed into bed with daddy for a little cuddle before getting dressed for school, she looks at me and without battling a eyelid, she asks me "why are your boobies flat?". Without thinking or showing expression I answered "cause I fed you from them". Dillon giggled and that was that! Topic was closed thank heavens! I have to laugh at the memory of my friends little one announcing very loudly to her the other day while getting into the swimming pool "mommy, you're getting fat!". What can you say to that? You cant even get angry or upset or hurt, cause its coming from pure innocence, the little creatures that hold the key to our hearts and think we are pretty darn awesome... most of the time :)
Now this is what I cant understand, the girls have been doing swimming lessons for about 3 months now and both of them are doing really really well. I compare them now to their very first lesson, there is a HUGE difference. Their first lesson consisted of them both refusing to even get into the pool and Raiden becoming the "fungus" again as I affectionately used to call her as a baby, hanging onto me like she was growing on my hip. Now, they are blowing bubbles under water and jumping in and Dillon can even swim the length of the pool while holding a board and kicking all on her own. So this very proud mommy comes home twice a week boasting to their father about how well they are doing and how I think the sun shines out of the swimming teachers bum. Dad decides yesterday to come with to watch his little mermaids conquer the pool. Ja hay... I dont know what happened, Raiden became the "fungus" again and Dillon looked like if she was asked to watch paint dry it would be more interesting that taking part in the lesson. So Ive now vowed that until they are swimming for national colours or doing pin dives off a 20m high diving board, dad will not be invited to watch again.
Children are a wonderful way to boost your own self esteem, they are the delight to any mother when it comes to compliments like "Mommy, you look like a princess" or "Mommy, you are so beautiful, I love you so much". This means the world to us moms.. not only do the little creatures that hold the key to our hearts think we are pretty darn awesome, but they have the wonderful ability to be honest... straight forward and pure, honestly at its best! However, this can back-fire when you least expect it. Getting out of the shower this morning, Dillon had climbed into bed with daddy for a little cuddle before getting dressed for school, she looks at me and without battling a eyelid, she asks me "why are your boobies flat?". Without thinking or showing expression I answered "cause I fed you from them". Dillon giggled and that was that! Topic was closed thank heavens! I have to laugh at the memory of my friends little one announcing very loudly to her the other day while getting into the swimming pool "mommy, you're getting fat!". What can you say to that? You cant even get angry or upset or hurt, cause its coming from pure innocence, the little creatures that hold the key to our hearts and think we are pretty darn awesome... most of the time :)
Raidens Birth Story
Im posting this for historic reasons :)
Background: I had a kidney Stone attack when I was 34 weeks pregnant and had a stent inserted which was was due to come out during the planned c-section which was secheduled for 2 weeks after Raiden was actually born, however due to the amount of pain I was in and the bleeding, we moved up the C-Section date. Raiden was born at 36 weeks.
I dont even know where to begin to be honest. Lets see.. the story begins the Sunday night before B-Day. My mom arrived that day and already I felt alot more calm about the future events that were about to unfold. Jean and I went out for our "last dinner" as planned and we discused our future and how having 2 children would change our lives and how we were going to handle it and how we were coping about our feelings etc... it was a much needed chat.
We woke up at 5 the next morning as we needed to be at hospital at 6. My plan was thro to get there at 5:30am as I REALLY wanted a private ward and I thought if I got there early my chances would be good. There was no power and I thought to myself, "is this a sign of some sort?" I had a feeling something was "off" no - wait, I think thats the wrong word, I wasnt scared of something bad or something was going to happen, but I was very worried about Raiden and I told Jean after I got out of my candle light shower that he mustnt give the nurses so much trouble this time around if they want to keep Raiden in the incubator a little longer as shes going to be alot smaller than Dillon when she was born, he agreed and promised to behave himself this time around. Jean was starting to get ......... emotional at this stage already.
We get into the car and we were on our way! On our way to the complex gate, Jean takes the corner too sharply and well, bursts his tyer on the corner of the pavement - We hadnt even gotton out of the complex yet! We get to the complex gate and I decided to get out the car to look.. and true as bob... the tyer is stuffed! Sigh! Ok - fine, turn around, park the car, Jean runs in to fetch my car keys, swop cars, off we go - again! So much for getting to the hospital early to get the private ward!
We get to hospital and yip - 2 other woman arrived before me and they got the private wards! *DOUBLE SIGH!* Infact, there were 5 of us that wanted the private wards (there are only 2) and 2 ladies were in labour, 2 in the wards already and little old me arrived last! Anyway, life goes on... I get taken to my semi-private room and its nice, Im shareing a bathroom with the ward next door - 4 beds to 1 bathroom, not too bad! I change and get into bed, thinking well, as doc said Im going to be last on the list I might as well get comfy and maybe have a snooze. Nope - change of plan, Im now first on the list because of the stent removal as well. COOL!!!! Im very excited, Jean is ... well Jean... he starts phoning the family to let them know. The anethitist comes around to meet me - LOVELY MAN... smelt nice too!
Im all calm and relaxed.
The next thing I know.. Im being shaved, dripped and pushed out of the ward to theater... my heart starts racing!!!!!!!!!! FAST!!!!!!! Im not ready for this, Im in a panic!!!!! I start crying, Jean starts crying... no... what have I done?? This isnt right!!!! Its too soon!
Jean gets taken to get dressed, Im in theater waiting for him to come back... there are doctors and nurses everywhere, all around me, Im thinking "What on earth is going on?" Why all the fuss? There is all this huge equipment being pushed in the room, TV monitors etc... The anethist notices my BP is climbing and my pulse is racing... he starts with the jokes... and Im laughing, Doc arrives and she gives me a cubble... she starts with the jokes, the urologist arrives, hes professional but warm. The pead arrives and Im THRILLED! He was on leave the week before and I wasnt sure if Doc let him know of the change of date, but hes there! My Raiden is in his hands, good hands! Im happy!
I get the spinal, which was wonderful... and my legs get put up and Im spread open for all too see... but they cover me up quickly - my heart is racing.. Im feeling dizzy... Anethist gives me meds to slow down my pulse and lower my BP, and the jokes are still coming. Jean is wonderful, hes telling me exactly what everyone in the room is up too and that Im not exposed and that he loves me. Doc puts on music and everyone is in a good mood. I still cant believe how many people are in the room with us!
The urologist removes the stent which I asked to see. What a strange thing to have inside of one... anyway, that was interesting, I also got to see what the inside of my bladder looks like on the TV, not that interesting
Right, time for the main event!!!!!
I decide this time around, Im going to watch the event in the light above me's reflection.... Doc cuts.... cool.. she cuts some more and starts opening me up.. Im fasinated, it dosnt feel like Im watching myself, its like watching ER on TV.
There she is.... I see my little Raidens head moving still inside of me in the reflection... she tries to move out of docs hands... doc is laughing... she grabs the foreceps and I shout at doc "dont you bruise my child!!!" She laughs!! I laugh!!
And there she is... this little pink and white thing.. I cant remember if I thought it or said it out loud, but I say "Cry!!!!" She cries.... its softer than Dillons first cry... its differant. I watch as Jean cuts the cord and pead takes her... I watch and listen... Im calm. Jean brings her to me and I hold her... shes so so small I think. She looks just like Dillon, but with blond hair. No, shes differant, she looks just like Dillon, but she dosnt. I love her! Im crying.
They take her and Jean goes with. I lay there watching the docs sew me up, they are still making jokes. Im happy. They wheel me to recovery and doc phones maternity ward to ask the birth weight, she calls the weight out to me.. 2.380g!!! I tell doc "THATS SMALL!!!" She nods back.
Im back in the ward... all alone. Jean comes to me and tells me Raidens oxygen levels are a little low so they want to keep her in the incubator for another hour. I thought as much. Jean is now hungry and tells me hes going home to fetch my mom and Dillon and grab some food, he will be back now now. I say fine.
Im all alone again. An hour passes and no one. I see no one. Im starting to feel my legs again and I can feel blood running on my legs. I start feeling the cut, so I push the call botton for a nurse. I ask for pain killers before the pain arrives with full steam and the nurse nods and leaves... 30mins go by. The pain has arrived, but not my pain killers. I cant find my cell phone either. I dont know where my husband is, where my child is or my pain killers... Im still all alone! I call a nurse again.. a new nurse comes, I ask for pain killers... 20mins go by, still nothing and no one!
Im crying now, not from pain, but from abandonment. WHERE THE HELL IS EVERYONE AND WHERE THE "F" IS MY PHONE!!! I call a nurse AGAIN... on the 5th call... the nurse arrives and Im mad... I give her a piece of my mind! While Im doing this one of the theater nurses comes in to check on me.. I tell her, I have asked for pain killers 5 times already, I have NOT seen or heard a thing about my child and I dont know where my husband is and Im laying in a pool of blood... she hits the roof and goes to the head sister in charge. I get my pain killers 10 seconds later and while Im getting the injection in walks Jean, my MIL, my mom and Dillon.. with my phone that Jean had taken with him for some reason! I climb into them and while Im giving them a piece of my mind, the theater nurse wheels in Raiden in the incubator to me. Im allowed to put my hand in to touch her. The room is silent, I put my hand in and Im holding her fingers.... shes so small, shes just so small.. Im speechless and I feel guilty! "Why did I do this!, why did I take her out before she was ready??" Its my fault! I start crying.
Now at this point I want to be left alone so I send everyone home. I lay there waiting for my child. The pead comes in and gives me an update. "Shes still on oxygen and they tried taking her out now, but her levels dropped too low, so shes back in the incubator. They will try again in an hours time and bring her to me for a feed. " I wait. They try again and her levels dropped too low again. Her sugur level is too low too so they feed her via a tube through her nose (15ml formula). Im devastated!
I spend the rest of the afternoon sitting in the nursary with her, just holding her hand. At about 9 that night, they take her out and give her to me and I feed her, she was so hungry and latched straight away. She opened her eyes and looked at me and I melted. My baby is here and I love her!
And thats my long emotional story
(the short version)
Background: I had a kidney Stone attack when I was 34 weeks pregnant and had a stent inserted which was was due to come out during the planned c-section which was secheduled for 2 weeks after Raiden was actually born, however due to the amount of pain I was in and the bleeding, we moved up the C-Section date. Raiden was born at 36 weeks.
I dont even know where to begin to be honest. Lets see.. the story begins the Sunday night before B-Day. My mom arrived that day and already I felt alot more calm about the future events that were about to unfold. Jean and I went out for our "last dinner" as planned and we discused our future and how having 2 children would change our lives and how we were going to handle it and how we were coping about our feelings etc... it was a much needed chat.
We woke up at 5 the next morning as we needed to be at hospital at 6. My plan was thro to get there at 5:30am as I REALLY wanted a private ward and I thought if I got there early my chances would be good. There was no power and I thought to myself, "is this a sign of some sort?" I had a feeling something was "off" no - wait, I think thats the wrong word, I wasnt scared of something bad or something was going to happen, but I was very worried about Raiden and I told Jean after I got out of my candle light shower that he mustnt give the nurses so much trouble this time around if they want to keep Raiden in the incubator a little longer as shes going to be alot smaller than Dillon when she was born, he agreed and promised to behave himself this time around. Jean was starting to get ......... emotional at this stage already.
We get into the car and we were on our way! On our way to the complex gate, Jean takes the corner too sharply and well, bursts his tyer on the corner of the pavement - We hadnt even gotton out of the complex yet! We get to the complex gate and I decided to get out the car to look.. and true as bob... the tyer is stuffed! Sigh! Ok - fine, turn around, park the car, Jean runs in to fetch my car keys, swop cars, off we go - again! So much for getting to the hospital early to get the private ward!
We get to hospital and yip - 2 other woman arrived before me and they got the private wards! *DOUBLE SIGH!* Infact, there were 5 of us that wanted the private wards (there are only 2) and 2 ladies were in labour, 2 in the wards already and little old me arrived last! Anyway, life goes on... I get taken to my semi-private room and its nice, Im shareing a bathroom with the ward next door - 4 beds to 1 bathroom, not too bad! I change and get into bed, thinking well, as doc said Im going to be last on the list I might as well get comfy and maybe have a snooze. Nope - change of plan, Im now first on the list because of the stent removal as well. COOL!!!! Im very excited, Jean is ... well Jean... he starts phoning the family to let them know. The anethitist comes around to meet me - LOVELY MAN... smelt nice too!
Im all calm and relaxed. The next thing I know.. Im being shaved, dripped and pushed out of the ward to theater... my heart starts racing!!!!!!!!!! FAST!!!!!!! Im not ready for this, Im in a panic!!!!! I start crying, Jean starts crying... no... what have I done?? This isnt right!!!! Its too soon!
Jean gets taken to get dressed, Im in theater waiting for him to come back... there are doctors and nurses everywhere, all around me, Im thinking "What on earth is going on?" Why all the fuss? There is all this huge equipment being pushed in the room, TV monitors etc... The anethist notices my BP is climbing and my pulse is racing... he starts with the jokes... and Im laughing, Doc arrives and she gives me a cubble... she starts with the jokes, the urologist arrives, hes professional but warm. The pead arrives and Im THRILLED! He was on leave the week before and I wasnt sure if Doc let him know of the change of date, but hes there! My Raiden is in his hands, good hands! Im happy!
I get the spinal, which was wonderful... and my legs get put up and Im spread open for all too see... but they cover me up quickly - my heart is racing.. Im feeling dizzy... Anethist gives me meds to slow down my pulse and lower my BP, and the jokes are still coming. Jean is wonderful, hes telling me exactly what everyone in the room is up too and that Im not exposed and that he loves me. Doc puts on music and everyone is in a good mood. I still cant believe how many people are in the room with us!
The urologist removes the stent which I asked to see. What a strange thing to have inside of one... anyway, that was interesting, I also got to see what the inside of my bladder looks like on the TV, not that interesting
Right, time for the main event!!!!!I decide this time around, Im going to watch the event in the light above me's reflection.... Doc cuts.... cool.. she cuts some more and starts opening me up.. Im fasinated, it dosnt feel like Im watching myself, its like watching ER on TV.
There she is.... I see my little Raidens head moving still inside of me in the reflection... she tries to move out of docs hands... doc is laughing... she grabs the foreceps and I shout at doc "dont you bruise my child!!!" She laughs!! I laugh!!
And there she is... this little pink and white thing.. I cant remember if I thought it or said it out loud, but I say "Cry!!!!" She cries.... its softer than Dillons first cry... its differant. I watch as Jean cuts the cord and pead takes her... I watch and listen... Im calm. Jean brings her to me and I hold her... shes so so small I think. She looks just like Dillon, but with blond hair. No, shes differant, she looks just like Dillon, but she dosnt. I love her! Im crying.
They take her and Jean goes with. I lay there watching the docs sew me up, they are still making jokes. Im happy. They wheel me to recovery and doc phones maternity ward to ask the birth weight, she calls the weight out to me.. 2.380g!!! I tell doc "THATS SMALL!!!" She nods back.
Im back in the ward... all alone. Jean comes to me and tells me Raidens oxygen levels are a little low so they want to keep her in the incubator for another hour. I thought as much. Jean is now hungry and tells me hes going home to fetch my mom and Dillon and grab some food, he will be back now now. I say fine.
Im all alone again. An hour passes and no one. I see no one. Im starting to feel my legs again and I can feel blood running on my legs. I start feeling the cut, so I push the call botton for a nurse. I ask for pain killers before the pain arrives with full steam and the nurse nods and leaves... 30mins go by. The pain has arrived, but not my pain killers. I cant find my cell phone either. I dont know where my husband is, where my child is or my pain killers... Im still all alone! I call a nurse again.. a new nurse comes, I ask for pain killers... 20mins go by, still nothing and no one!
Im crying now, not from pain, but from abandonment. WHERE THE HELL IS EVERYONE AND WHERE THE "F" IS MY PHONE!!! I call a nurse AGAIN... on the 5th call... the nurse arrives and Im mad... I give her a piece of my mind! While Im doing this one of the theater nurses comes in to check on me.. I tell her, I have asked for pain killers 5 times already, I have NOT seen or heard a thing about my child and I dont know where my husband is and Im laying in a pool of blood... she hits the roof and goes to the head sister in charge. I get my pain killers 10 seconds later and while Im getting the injection in walks Jean, my MIL, my mom and Dillon.. with my phone that Jean had taken with him for some reason! I climb into them and while Im giving them a piece of my mind, the theater nurse wheels in Raiden in the incubator to me. Im allowed to put my hand in to touch her. The room is silent, I put my hand in and Im holding her fingers.... shes so small, shes just so small.. Im speechless and I feel guilty! "Why did I do this!, why did I take her out before she was ready??" Its my fault! I start crying.
Now at this point I want to be left alone so I send everyone home. I lay there waiting for my child. The pead comes in and gives me an update. "Shes still on oxygen and they tried taking her out now, but her levels dropped too low, so shes back in the incubator. They will try again in an hours time and bring her to me for a feed. " I wait. They try again and her levels dropped too low again. Her sugur level is too low too so they feed her via a tube through her nose (15ml formula). Im devastated!
I spend the rest of the afternoon sitting in the nursary with her, just holding her hand. At about 9 that night, they take her out and give her to me and I feed her, she was so hungry and latched straight away. She opened her eyes and looked at me and I melted. My baby is here and I love her!
And thats my long emotional story
(the short version)
Night time Nappy Free?!?!
Awww, Monday's.. these days are when you wake up, with a groggy head, puffy eyes and you're thinking to yourself.. "if only I could have 2 more hours of sleep".. that combined with the fact that you are dealing with a child that is "busy" being night time potty trained and you are in for one heck of a Monday morning feeling!
Dillon has been "nappy free" for about 2 weeks now.. sounds great dosnt it? NAPPY FREE.... I will say it again.... NAPPY...........FREE!! Sounds like freedom to any mother, no more nappies.. no more buying the nappies... no more handling dirty nappies. Nope, what this means is having to change your childs bedding almost every single night in the early hours of the morning and having to wash your childs entire bedding almost every single day and then your child still looks at you like a lost puppy and says "Im sorry mommy, it was only an accident!" There it is - another guilt trip, cause us mothers dont have enough of those already! Of course its an accident, cause I really dont see any one wanting to wee in their own beds on purpose! So, I smile and give her big hugs and tell her how much I love her and how much Im proud of her for trying and we go over the procedure AGAIN about if you feel you need to wee-wee, then GO.. go to the loo, please... go to the loo and if you dont want to go alone, PLEASE call mommy or daddy, we really dont mind going with you! I know what you are thinking.. why are we not taking her in the middle of the night, truth be told.. we are! We take her before her bedtime, again when we go to bed and then... thats where the wheels fall off. You see, we are very shelfish parents, we LOVE our sleep, we crave it, we need it, we can not function as normal human beings with out it. Maybe it stems from having the girls so close together and being sleep deprived for so long, that we try to hold onto as much sleep as we can possibly get. Jean does however wake up in those early hours of the morning to go check on her and thats when I get woken up to change bedding. The accidents happen always when we are in our REM stage of sleep, the good sleep, the sleep that actually matters to a parent. But thats life! We will carry on, doing what we do and cleaning up the accidents and if we are lucky, just as Dillon gets it right, we can start all over again with Raiden :)
Dillon has been "nappy free" for about 2 weeks now.. sounds great dosnt it? NAPPY FREE.... I will say it again.... NAPPY...........FREE!! Sounds like freedom to any mother, no more nappies.. no more buying the nappies... no more handling dirty nappies. Nope, what this means is having to change your childs bedding almost every single night in the early hours of the morning and having to wash your childs entire bedding almost every single day and then your child still looks at you like a lost puppy and says "Im sorry mommy, it was only an accident!" There it is - another guilt trip, cause us mothers dont have enough of those already! Of course its an accident, cause I really dont see any one wanting to wee in their own beds on purpose! So, I smile and give her big hugs and tell her how much I love her and how much Im proud of her for trying and we go over the procedure AGAIN about if you feel you need to wee-wee, then GO.. go to the loo, please... go to the loo and if you dont want to go alone, PLEASE call mommy or daddy, we really dont mind going with you! I know what you are thinking.. why are we not taking her in the middle of the night, truth be told.. we are! We take her before her bedtime, again when we go to bed and then... thats where the wheels fall off. You see, we are very shelfish parents, we LOVE our sleep, we crave it, we need it, we can not function as normal human beings with out it. Maybe it stems from having the girls so close together and being sleep deprived for so long, that we try to hold onto as much sleep as we can possibly get. Jean does however wake up in those early hours of the morning to go check on her and thats when I get woken up to change bedding. The accidents happen always when we are in our REM stage of sleep, the good sleep, the sleep that actually matters to a parent. But thats life! We will carry on, doing what we do and cleaning up the accidents and if we are lucky, just as Dillon gets it right, we can start all over again with Raiden :)
Sunday, 22 January 2012
Sisters
Cant believe its Sunday already, weekends go by so fast now-a-days.
Thought what I should do, is write a little about the girls personalities as they are now. It would be nice to be able to compare it when they are older and see if its changed at all.
Dillon: I always start things with Dillon for some reason, maybe cause she is the oldest and everything about being a mom started with her..
Dillon is a pleaser, she likes to please her father and myself and thrives on praise and attention. She is into princesses, pretty dresses and all things "girly" - everything I was not as a child! For the most part, she is not naughty, just very normal when it comes to not listening or too pre-occupied with something else to bother to react to instructions. She is well mannered and loves to draw and colour in pictures. She also loves to dance and moves all my lounge furniture around out of the way to set up her very own stage for herself while dancing.
She loves her sister most of the time, but its more as if Raidens role is to help entertain her and uses her sister more as an aid than a "friend".
Raiden: My very special baby.
Raiden is a stubborn, extreamly strong willed child that lives in her own fantasy world most of the time. She can quite easily entertain herself while somewhere magical in her own mind and game. She has the charm of a magical creature and can put you under her spell with just a smile. In short = she gets away with murder! Bugs and "creatures" as she calls them are her obsession, she loves everything that moves and sits talking to her bugs for ages. She has no desire to look pretty or dress up and can happily spend the day naked outside.. this is more like what I was like as a child. My little flower child. She gets extreamly emotional if things dont go her way and will act in a way that I can only describe as if the world was ending and she was the only one that knew about it! Besides playing with bugs her other hobby is tormenting her big sister.. she loves to give Dillon a hard time and will often provoke Dillon just because she can. I assume she likes the reaction she gets from Dillon who has trouble dealing with anger and frustration. In her offence Dillon does get quite funny when irritated or annoyed, even I have to hide a little giggle every now and then.
I actually cant wait until they are old enough for me to explain to them how important they are to each other. I want to be able to tell them how lucky they are to have "friends" for life in each other and that no matter what, they will always have each other, especially when they have no one else. They are each others worst enemies and best friends all in one. They are two sides to the same coin. So very different to each other, but when together, they hold a force stronger than anything I can ever imagine. No one will and can break the one with the other near. They will protect and shelter each other when they will need it, they will stand up and fight for each other, when the one cant do it alone. They will also be able to laugh. Laugh with and at each other. What they have is the best gift.. they have each other, now and forever!
Thought what I should do, is write a little about the girls personalities as they are now. It would be nice to be able to compare it when they are older and see if its changed at all.
Dillon: I always start things with Dillon for some reason, maybe cause she is the oldest and everything about being a mom started with her..
Dillon is a pleaser, she likes to please her father and myself and thrives on praise and attention. She is into princesses, pretty dresses and all things "girly" - everything I was not as a child! For the most part, she is not naughty, just very normal when it comes to not listening or too pre-occupied with something else to bother to react to instructions. She is well mannered and loves to draw and colour in pictures. She also loves to dance and moves all my lounge furniture around out of the way to set up her very own stage for herself while dancing.
She loves her sister most of the time, but its more as if Raidens role is to help entertain her and uses her sister more as an aid than a "friend".
Raiden: My very special baby.
Raiden is a stubborn, extreamly strong willed child that lives in her own fantasy world most of the time. She can quite easily entertain herself while somewhere magical in her own mind and game. She has the charm of a magical creature and can put you under her spell with just a smile. In short = she gets away with murder! Bugs and "creatures" as she calls them are her obsession, she loves everything that moves and sits talking to her bugs for ages. She has no desire to look pretty or dress up and can happily spend the day naked outside.. this is more like what I was like as a child. My little flower child. She gets extreamly emotional if things dont go her way and will act in a way that I can only describe as if the world was ending and she was the only one that knew about it! Besides playing with bugs her other hobby is tormenting her big sister.. she loves to give Dillon a hard time and will often provoke Dillon just because she can. I assume she likes the reaction she gets from Dillon who has trouble dealing with anger and frustration. In her offence Dillon does get quite funny when irritated or annoyed, even I have to hide a little giggle every now and then.
I actually cant wait until they are old enough for me to explain to them how important they are to each other. I want to be able to tell them how lucky they are to have "friends" for life in each other and that no matter what, they will always have each other, especially when they have no one else. They are each others worst enemies and best friends all in one. They are two sides to the same coin. So very different to each other, but when together, they hold a force stronger than anything I can ever imagine. No one will and can break the one with the other near. They will protect and shelter each other when they will need it, they will stand up and fight for each other, when the one cant do it alone. They will also be able to laugh. Laugh with and at each other. What they have is the best gift.. they have each other, now and forever!
Friday, 20 January 2012
I figured what I could do is catch up on some of my "old" baby stories about the girls that Ive written in the past..
This one is about Dillon, only a few months old, enjoy :)
So, its nappy changing time, I figured as much by watching the expression on my child's face alternate between smiles and "pushes" and the colour changing from a baby powder white to a tomato red on and off like a light switch. When I saw that the facial expressions and her shoulders relaxing, I knew the "pushing" was finished and it was time to "change the bum" as I like to call it :)
So I lay her down and start undressing her (Like I do)... I follow the normal procedure (same procedure as every time), take out and hang up nappy bag, grab 2 or 3 wet wipes ready for action and unpeel the strips from the nappy and take the nappy off in an upwards motion to wipe away what might and is waiting for me.
This is when it happened............ instead of the poo waiting for me IN the nappy, it decides now is the time to take the chance and flee.. it saw the window of opportunity and took a flying leap to freedom while in mid-air! BUT it doesn't end there you see... time slows down.. everything is in slow motion now and while I'm watching this poo fly across the room I notice the prettiness of it.... yes! Its PRETTY!!!! It has a sparkle about it, a sparkle that Ive never seen in a poo before... it is indeed, a poo like no other!
"Arrrrrr......" I think or say, Im not sure which. It lands right inside Dillons toiletries basket. You know what Im talking about, every mom has one next to the changing mat, the place where you keep all the creams and lotions and all things nice.. It lands right, deep in there. So... I glare down into this basket, not sure yet if this is something I will ever find funny in my life again.
There it is!!! Staring back up at me like a naughty puppy. Yet, the sparkle is still there....
I grab one of the wet wipes I previously took out when procedure was still being followed and reach down into the basket to grab the naughty little "shit" (excuse the pun). I'm sorry about the next part guys, but I'm inquisitive now, I have to know what the sparkle is all about. So I have a good look! There among all the "chaos" are these shiny little sparkles. LOL - Dillon must have some how got hold of some of my scrap booking studs from the other day and swallowed them. I must have dropped some and not noticed or something!
I burst out laughing but at the same time think about the wonderful journey these little sparkles must have had inside my daughter. Its not everyday one can see flying, sparkling poo...
So I lay her down and start undressing her (Like I do)... I follow the normal procedure (same procedure as every time), take out and hang up nappy bag, grab 2 or 3 wet wipes ready for action and unpeel the strips from the nappy and take the nappy off in an upwards motion to wipe away what might and is waiting for me.
This is when it happened............ instead of the poo waiting for me IN the nappy, it decides now is the time to take the chance and flee.. it saw the window of opportunity and took a flying leap to freedom while in mid-air! BUT it doesn't end there you see... time slows down.. everything is in slow motion now and while I'm watching this poo fly across the room I notice the prettiness of it.... yes! Its PRETTY!!!! It has a sparkle about it, a sparkle that Ive never seen in a poo before... it is indeed, a poo like no other!
"Arrrrrr......" I think or say, Im not sure which. It lands right inside Dillons toiletries basket. You know what Im talking about, every mom has one next to the changing mat, the place where you keep all the creams and lotions and all things nice.. It lands right, deep in there. So... I glare down into this basket, not sure yet if this is something I will ever find funny in my life again.
There it is!!! Staring back up at me like a naughty puppy. Yet, the sparkle is still there....
I grab one of the wet wipes I previously took out when procedure was still being followed and reach down into the basket to grab the naughty little "shit" (excuse the pun). I'm sorry about the next part guys, but I'm inquisitive now, I have to know what the sparkle is all about. So I have a good look! There among all the "chaos" are these shiny little sparkles. LOL - Dillon must have some how got hold of some of my scrap booking studs from the other day and swallowed them. I must have dropped some and not noticed or something!
I burst out laughing but at the same time think about the wonderful journey these little sparkles must have had inside my daughter. Its not everyday one can see flying, sparkling poo...
The beginning..
Okay, so this is my first post and I must be honest, I have no idea where to begin, but I suppose I should start from the beginning (makes sense dosnt it?).
I have been asked a few times over the past few years to start a blog by friends. For some strange reason some people seem to think I can be funny or rather whats the word they use.. witty. *shugs*. Anyway so I thought I would give this a go and see what happens. I actually cant see why anyone would want to read this or have any interest in what I have to say, but who knows?
A little background on me I guess is a good place to start. My name is Tracy, wife and mother to two gorgeous little girls, whom I have fond memories of them being just little babies not too long ago. Dillon (now aged 4) and Raiden (now aged 3). Yes, they are close together, 11 months apart infact and I suppose as anyone with this age gap or twins can tell you, the only way to stay sane is by a) having and keeping a sense of humor and b) be on first names basis with the bottle store owner down the road! No, not really, Im only kidding, but it does help!! :) noooo - Im kidding... or am I? - you decide!
I am very fortunate as I have been able to stay at home with my girls. I was a SAHM (stay-at-home-mom) from Dillons birth right through until she turned 3. It was a combination of needing the extra money and the girls being old enough for a more structured day routine and some social interaction that forced me to find a job. After a few months of job hunting, I finally found a half day job, but what turned out to be half day ended up being 2x days full day and 3x days half day and this impacted the girls greatly. I loved working again and being able to actually talk about things other than nappies, feeding routines, burping and Barney but my family life was suffering and the older the girls got, the more I realised how much they needed me and their home. This, added to the normal amount of guilt levels all mothers carry around in their hearts, was breaking me. I wanted more for them, I wanted to take them to swimming lessons (large bodies of any water and my girls scare the living crap out of me!) to learn how to swim, I wanted to take them to ballet, horse riding, the beach.. none of these things I could do while working.. so I piled up more guilt to my load. Then there was the housework and shopping that I needed to keep up with. Piled on more guilt! Somewhere inbetween working, being a mother to 2 toddlers, running a household - I was also a wife! My poor husband seemed to come last most of the time. Lucky for me, he is oblivious to most things in life and was in the throws of keeping his little software development company a float and running. He works ridiculous amounts of time and was to preoccupied to realise that no one was actually happy with the then currant situation. After a few months he started to realise that I was bitching unusually more than usual. I was tired.. I was exhausted and it was taking its toll on me and his business was taking off and things were looking good after all his hard work was paying off. I remember the night my husband came into the bedroom and offered me a job! I felt like I can only imagine what winning the lotto must feel like.. it was as if all my dreams were coming true. I would be working half day from home.. I would be getting paid to stay at home...to be able to spend more time with my girls and after all... I could sleep with the boss, what more could I ask for :) So thats where I am now.. working for my very hard working husband from home. My mornings consist of doing whatever he asks or needs me to do and my afternoons are spent playing moms taxi, carting the girls around to extra murals, shopping or visiting friends. In my eyes - I HAVE IT ALL! The best balance in life that anyone could ever ask for and of course I owe it all to my husband, he is the one that has been able to grant me this life that I love so much! I am truly grateful.
Anyway - where was I?..working.. bla, bla.. being grateful..bla,bla.. oh yes.. my girls :) I love them, I truly do.. but like most mothers, there are days I want to shove them back where they came from. My dad always used to say to us while growing up "I brought you into this world, I can take you out" but it was always said in jest (I hope!) but it wasnt until I was a parent that I realised how often those jestful sayings, were not said in jest and somewhere there was a sense of meaningful honestly in there. If you are a mother, you will know what I mean, sometimes its just tough, its hard, its painful, its cruel, frustrating and just plain heartbreaking. Then there are those moments where a simple look, a shy smile, a tiny hug or a big wet kiss that just makes everything all better and worth while. I never for once in my BC (before children) life thought how much my childs giggle would light up my life and make me forget all my troubles and problems.
So this is where I am now.. this blog is about me and my girls, whom are my life!
I have been asked a few times over the past few years to start a blog by friends. For some strange reason some people seem to think I can be funny or rather whats the word they use.. witty. *shugs*. Anyway so I thought I would give this a go and see what happens. I actually cant see why anyone would want to read this or have any interest in what I have to say, but who knows?
A little background on me I guess is a good place to start. My name is Tracy, wife and mother to two gorgeous little girls, whom I have fond memories of them being just little babies not too long ago. Dillon (now aged 4) and Raiden (now aged 3). Yes, they are close together, 11 months apart infact and I suppose as anyone with this age gap or twins can tell you, the only way to stay sane is by a) having and keeping a sense of humor and b) be on first names basis with the bottle store owner down the road! No, not really, Im only kidding, but it does help!! :) noooo - Im kidding... or am I? - you decide!
I am very fortunate as I have been able to stay at home with my girls. I was a SAHM (stay-at-home-mom) from Dillons birth right through until she turned 3. It was a combination of needing the extra money and the girls being old enough for a more structured day routine and some social interaction that forced me to find a job. After a few months of job hunting, I finally found a half day job, but what turned out to be half day ended up being 2x days full day and 3x days half day and this impacted the girls greatly. I loved working again and being able to actually talk about things other than nappies, feeding routines, burping and Barney but my family life was suffering and the older the girls got, the more I realised how much they needed me and their home. This, added to the normal amount of guilt levels all mothers carry around in their hearts, was breaking me. I wanted more for them, I wanted to take them to swimming lessons (large bodies of any water and my girls scare the living crap out of me!) to learn how to swim, I wanted to take them to ballet, horse riding, the beach.. none of these things I could do while working.. so I piled up more guilt to my load. Then there was the housework and shopping that I needed to keep up with. Piled on more guilt! Somewhere inbetween working, being a mother to 2 toddlers, running a household - I was also a wife! My poor husband seemed to come last most of the time. Lucky for me, he is oblivious to most things in life and was in the throws of keeping his little software development company a float and running. He works ridiculous amounts of time and was to preoccupied to realise that no one was actually happy with the then currant situation. After a few months he started to realise that I was bitching unusually more than usual. I was tired.. I was exhausted and it was taking its toll on me and his business was taking off and things were looking good after all his hard work was paying off. I remember the night my husband came into the bedroom and offered me a job! I felt like I can only imagine what winning the lotto must feel like.. it was as if all my dreams were coming true. I would be working half day from home.. I would be getting paid to stay at home...to be able to spend more time with my girls and after all... I could sleep with the boss, what more could I ask for :) So thats where I am now.. working for my very hard working husband from home. My mornings consist of doing whatever he asks or needs me to do and my afternoons are spent playing moms taxi, carting the girls around to extra murals, shopping or visiting friends. In my eyes - I HAVE IT ALL! The best balance in life that anyone could ever ask for and of course I owe it all to my husband, he is the one that has been able to grant me this life that I love so much! I am truly grateful.
Anyway - where was I?..working.. bla, bla.. being grateful..bla,bla.. oh yes.. my girls :) I love them, I truly do.. but like most mothers, there are days I want to shove them back where they came from. My dad always used to say to us while growing up "I brought you into this world, I can take you out" but it was always said in jest (I hope!) but it wasnt until I was a parent that I realised how often those jestful sayings, were not said in jest and somewhere there was a sense of meaningful honestly in there. If you are a mother, you will know what I mean, sometimes its just tough, its hard, its painful, its cruel, frustrating and just plain heartbreaking. Then there are those moments where a simple look, a shy smile, a tiny hug or a big wet kiss that just makes everything all better and worth while. I never for once in my BC (before children) life thought how much my childs giggle would light up my life and make me forget all my troubles and problems.
So this is where I am now.. this blog is about me and my girls, whom are my life!
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