So we have covered the events leading up to the ultimate confession of my husbands mid-life crisis! As devastating as it is.. this is what it means to me.. this is what it actually comes down to...
Hes lost, hes lost his way and hes lost a part of himself... he needs to take steps forward to re-discover himself and find his way again.. he needs to find his passion in life and his joy. It sickens me that I cant provide that for him, and he dosnt seem to want me to but lets me honest.. who can provide 100% of such an important aspect in ones life. No one! No one single person can ever provide that for another human being long term! I wouldnt want to be responsible for that in his life. We each have our own lives to live. I never married him to be joined to his hip, I married him because I wanted him to be my life partner, I wanted us to share our lives together, not live the same life! I wanted us to travel these self-exploration journey's together!!! The good and the bad. I wanted us to share our passion and joy with each other, never to be responsible for it. We expected ups and downs, we expected fights and disagreements.. we knew this when we got married.
If only he could see what I see when I look at him.. he feels like he has not accomplished anything worthy in his life.. this is truly shocking. He runs his own company and has done so for 9 years already.. started from scratch and built it up. Not many people are even capable of doing half of what he has done. He has trained and mentored many people over the years and helped make them better people. He has helped me raise 2 amazing human beings.. people that I feel will one day go out into the world and make a difference.. just like he has. He has helped people in need and not expected anything in return, many times! He once chased a speeding driver for driving over a pea-cock and not stopping! I can go on and on.. but I dont think any of this matters to him, I dont think he even knows what really matters to him anymore. I have always been proud of him and who he is.
We were never gaga over each other, maybe that was the problem.. maybe that was the first clue that we shouldnt have married each other in the first place.. but I disagree! I married him despite the fact that there was no gaga, no whirlwind romantic star gazing, or staring deeply into each other eyes confessing our undying love for each other.. because thats all bullshit and I knew it then and I still know it now! Love evolves and I know enough to know that, that beginning stages of love dosnt last. No marriage can survive on that alone. It fades and then the love changes and thats the way relationships work. Yes, our love has changed over the past 18 years.. as it should have, it was meant to. Has my love for him changed over the years? - of course it has! But never has it faded, it just changed.. it evolved! I married him because he was the one I chose, he was the one I wanted to spend my life with - the good and the bad.
What he fails to understand is that Ive already been through what hes going through. When the kids were born. Having them so close together. I gave up my job... which he pushed for btw!! ..., ok - it was a career that I hated and I was relieved that I had the option to resign.. but it was mine and it was a big part of me and who I was. I gave up on my freedom, my dreams and who I thought I wanted to be. I went from fun-loving, party animal to a jobless mother with poo under my finger nails and vomit in my cleavage. I had to lose a huge part of myself to become the best person I could be for my daughters....for my family!! That meant I had to change myself, my outlook on life, friends, family.. fucking everything! I had to sit back and just accept that my breasts were no longer a sexual feature on my body (at the time one of the best sexual features I possessed if I might say so myself), but they were now milk making machines. I resigned myself with every new stretch mark that I have them for a good reason. I made the choice to understand that these changes were par for the course and that the rewards outweighed everything else. I gave up fucking everything to be their mom and you know what.. I never doubted my love for my husband while doing it. I never questioned if I was in the relationship for the wrong reasons. I did it for and with him! Our relationship changed from "us" to "our family" and it was worth it! Every god-dam fucking leaky nappy, sleepless nights, the screaming and the mess! And you know why? Because thats what life gave me to deal with.. I had two beautiful children, children that needed me and that my husband gave me through our love together and I made the sacrifices and I did what I needed to do because thats what my family needed me to do! It was tough, it was crazy.. but I have 100% no regrets! It saddens me to my very core that my husband feels differently or dosnt understand that.
Family is everything! Without family.. you have fucking nothing! You can travel the world, sleep with porn stars, drive fast cars, earn stupid amounts of money... and at the end of the day - you have nothing! You will die alone in your bed, with only your fun memories to comfort you when you are alone and scared. I would rather die in a gutter feeling loved and cherished than that. I guess that is just another way we are so different to each other. We are his family and if he dosnt want us anymore. I cant stop that.. I can only imagine that he hopes to have another family one day. A family that can fulfill him in the way that he needs.
I used to think that because we were so opposite that its the reason we work, the reason why we had such a successful marriage. I was fooled wasnt I? I suppose we always wanted different things in life. I just didnt know my life, which I loved was so boring, dull and average for him.
During some of our rough times.. I used to remember that one of the reasons we got married was not because we could live together.. but instead because we couldnt live without each other. To be told now that he can live just fine without us, that he didnt even miss us.... there are no words for the amount of pain and hurt that he has caused me and our family. He needs to figure some stuff out, thats fine...figure it out.. but in the process he is destroying us and its a huge cost.
If we still communicated, he would know where I am in life right now.. or rather where I wanted to be until he demolished my entire world. The girls are older now, they dont need me as much.. I have the space, time and freedom to find myself again and I was looking forward to that journey with him. I was looking forward to discovering Australia with him, getting excited about building our new home and lives together, I imagined that when our container arrived, we would be so excited like it was Christmas and sorting and unpacking everything out to make the house he got us, a home together. I had visions of us travelling to places and experiencing new things together. This was supposed to be a fresh start for us as a family... never did I imagine we would end up like this. My plan was to move to Oz, get the house and kids settled in and into a workable semi-sane routine and start the process of finding myself.. of becoming Tracy again. I know I will never be the same Tracy I was before the kids were born and thank fuck for that! That chick was out of control at the best of times. Ive grown as a person since then, I know whats important in my life and what isnt and I wanted to explore a few paths to see where I belong in the world, outside of being a wife and mother... two very important aspects of my life that I always held with great pride, joy, passion and honor. Notice that these are the same things that he feels he is missing from his life?
He balanced me out. He kept my head up above the water when I was sinking. He kept me safe and warm when all I wanted to do was go out and do something recess and stupid. He kept me in check and on the straight path.. now he dosnt like who I am anymore it seems. He said that he dosnt have that spark for me anymore. That our life together has become average and boring. It makes me think of that line from the movie "The Witches of Eastwick" - the husband runs around complaining that he's fucking a dead person, and he's the one who killed her!
He told me that I have done nothing wrong, that Im an awesome mother and wife. He said there is nothing I could have done differently, he said thats its not me, its him... and I get that! Then why am I the one suffering here? Why am I the one that is dying inside? Being rejected by the one person that meant the most to you, the one person that was supposed to protect me and shelter me from the hurt and the ugly in the world, the one person that was supposed to comfort me and be there for me when I needed him the most, thats why!
Jean, my love... you and I have two very different definitions of "magic" or "spark"... mine comes from deep within my heart and soul. Its based on us, our relationship, our family, our lives together and what was happening in mine, it never just happened for me and went away.. it was there and I had to change it to suit the situation we were in or the phase in our lives that we were currently dealing with.. it was created slowly over the years and it changed many times for many different reasons. I never lost my magic for you.. there were times I forgot about it or it was hidden from me but I never lost it and couldnt find it again. I managed to keep it alive without you ever knowing about it, because I had my priorities and I always knew what was important to me and what I thought was to you and to us.
I cannot make you love me again, nor do I actually want to.. love cannot be forced or commanded. I also dont want a fake marriage where you have to pretend that we share each others love. My only wish is that there is still enough love left inside of you somewhere for me and that you can find it and nurture it before there is just too much damage and this cannot be repaired. I wish that you find yourself and your dreams and that I can share in your excitement and joy during this amazing journey. I have always loved you for who you are and who you really are will never change, you need to fall in love with yourself and see yourself as I do, this is not an easy task.. its taken me 6 years to do this and I still struggle from time to time with who I am and loving myself. In the meantime.. despite the pain and trauma that Im going through because of you, I still love you enough that I will give you your space to explore and do your soul searching. For me it already feels like you have left us but I still have unconditional love for you, I can do this for you... I can do this for us.
Monday, 7 January 2019
Moved to Ozzie... but wait - there is more drama!
It was 2 August 2018 when we heard that our Australian visa's were granted. We were actively toying with the idea for a few years already and I admit, I was putting it off due to the fact that I had my concerns. Leaving our home country, family and friends.. but mostly.. I had a deep gut feeling that our marriage wouldnt survive the adventure. (life fuck #1)
Between August and December - it was an emotional rollor coaster that never stopped. Jean flew to Australia beginning Nov to start the job and to set things up for us this side.. I stayed behind with the girls for them to finish the school year and to close shop so to speak. Sold off items, arranged the movers and container, sort out Ash, our beloved fluff-ball. It was what I thought at the time the worst 4 months of my entire life! I was so wrong! (life fuck #2)
It was during this process that I started getting my gut feelings again... I knew something was off with Jean.. he wasnt showing the right emotions. He wasnt saying the right things. He was always too busy. He was always too stressed. He wasnt communicating with me. I had no idea what was going on with him. I put it down to stress from both our sides. We were going through a major life changing event, all hell is expected to run amock during this time isnt it!? (life fuck #3)
So, the girls and I climb on the plane destined to our new and supposedly exciting adventure...
Jean was not happy to see us - not in the way I had imagined in my mind during the flight. He was snappy and distant. My gut was screaming at me now. He informed me that he has invited a friend to come stay with us for a week over Christmas. Awww.. Christmas - normally my favorite time of year. I was dreading Christmas this year. I was broken inside and my husband didnt care. I was alone.. and my husband didnt care.
Let me stop here and tell you something that I have learnt at this point... you often hear of people talking about being lonely and how soul destroying it is... and it is! Except.... for this.... being married and being lonely! This my dear people... this is so much worse, this is the ultimate soul crushing emotion in the world. This pain cuts so deep that it opens up new and past wounds. Wounds that you didnt even know existed. ... but wait - there is more... (life fuck #4)
So Jean's friend arrives, which is great.. hes happy that shes here. I havnt seen him this happy in a long time. It makes a part of me happy for him to see him happy. The week was spent with the 2 of them enjoying each others company, chatting, laughing and joking. Again - I was happy for him, he needed this I told myself. I should add in here that his friend is a lesbian, so its not what you are thinking. At the same time, while all of this happiness what going on.. it occurred to me that all of this was missing in my marriage. I became jealous.. and nasty jealous. I felt betrayed. How could MY life partner have a better relationship with someone else and not with me? How is that right? (life fuck #5)
She leaves and a few days later.. after I started asking questions in an attempt to make conversation with my husband, he drops the bomb shell... she wants to have a baby.. and asked him to be her sperm donor!... People... how do I explain in words how this tore every molecule inside my body apart! He was actually considering it! Now dont get me wrong. Im all for woman wanting to be mothers and I support it 100%. I know what its like, Im a mom and I know how much having kids is the most amazing gift in life... especially if you are going to be a single mom.. huge amount of respect here! Just not with my husband. His DNA belongs to me as far as Im concerned. I did not get married just for him to have children with another woman. Even worse.. a woman he has a close personal relationship with, so he would actually have access to this child. The girls and I would have access to this child. How does one explain to your own kids that they have a sibling.. but not really? Oh - I can go on and on about this topic and event in my life.. but not now.. Im still trying to get to the good part! I obviously freak out like only I can while trying not to throw up from the emotions of utter betrayal, shock and hurt. I calmed down enough to attempt to tell my so called life partner my side of my feelings. I will give credit, where its due here - he listened. Maybe the first time in months, he actually listened to me and he seemed to understand where I was coming from. Long story short - he agreed with me and decided not to go ahead with it as he was treating this decision as one that we would have to make together and if I didnt support it, he would respect that. (life fuck #6)
Kidney Stones.. Ive had them before and even through I have been through the motions and I know whats going on.. its never a pleasant experience. I woke up a few days later having a full on kidney stone attack. I was praying for death at this point. Praying to end my pain.. both physically and emotionally. Death never saved me, but the drugs helped. The drugs took away the physical pain and took the edge off the emotional. (life fuck #7)
Now Im going to mention at this point, that Im still a functioning human being.. Im getting up in the morning. Im cleaning house, doing laundry, ironing, dishes.. I even drive myself to the shops every now and then. Inside... Im screaming, Im crying and it hurts so much. Yet - Im positive this is just a phase! You see one thing I have learnt about life is that for every bad thing, there is a good thing... but sadly - for every good thing.. there is a bad. Its a balance you see.. Ive had times in my life that I have screamed to the Gods that care... "IS THAT IT.. IS THAT THE BEST YOU'VE GOT - BRING IT ON.. LET THE SHIT FLOW!!" - because I know.. just around the corner something magical and wonderful is going to happen and all the issues and problems will go away and it will all have been worth it!
Im still trying to stay positive at this point....
Obviously, it all become to much for me. My brain, heart and soul couldnt process such an overload and that's when I was first introduced to my dark side. My imagination was in control now and I had no power over my emotions. I started having visions of Jean having an affair with his lesbian friend.. donating his sperm himself, the good old fashioned way. He was constantly chatting to someone on Whatsapp.. he was not talking to me. He hadnt told me that he loved me in months. He stopped calling me "love" but now only by my name. My gut feeling was now not only screaming at me.. it was punching me from the inside out and trying to burst out of my chest just to reach my face for the ultimate knockout punch. I couldnt take it anymore. I was frightened. I was terrified. I was physically sick. I was forcing myself to eat and to function. I was living more in my dark side than the light. Reality didnt exist anymore. Nothing made sense. I needed help. I went to my husband, my life partner, my best friend for this help.... (life fuck #8)
I finally asked him the right question.. the question that he needed to answer and give me the answer to but I suppose he didnt know how to before. I asked him "have your feelings changed since we got married?" (life fuck #9)
Sometimes, there are things that you just know.. you know it, but you dont want to hear it... maybe you need to hear it.. but you dont want to hear it.
Jean spent the next 2 hours explaining to me how Im not the one for him anymore, he doubts I ever was, how he still loves me and the girls and wants us to be happy but how he dosnt need us. How he didnt miss us for those 6 weeks apart and how that concerned him. I listened to how he is going through a mid-life crisis, about him needing to find himself and achieve something in his life and how he feels about his life and how he dosnt see us as an achievement.. more like an anchor holding him back. He said everything that I didnt want to hear.. he also said everything that I already knew but couldnt accept before. Now that he has opened up.. and was honest with me.. now I have to process and deal with this. (life fuck #10)
Im actually happy that we had this conversation. Im proud of myself for staying calm right throughout and for just shutting the fuck up and listening. As painful as it was and is.. I can start to remove myself from the dark side and deal with whats actually happening and not what my imagination thinks is happening. I have facts to work with now.. actually real things. Im telling myself this is a good thing, but truth be told - there is nothing good about this. My whole world has crashed down ontop of me. Everything that I have held dear and cherished is gone.. just gone. The girls and I have nothing left, except each other. My worst fear is now real.. and its raw, fresh and not going to just go away.
I am in a strange country, with no friends and family, no support system, no car and no money.. and no marriage. No life partner, no friend.. no husband. I cant even go back to SA.. even through every inch of my soul is screaming to... the reason we left SA hasnt changed. We moved here to get the girls out, for them to be safe and for their future, I cant take them back, not even for my own selfish reasons.
So what now? Where do I go from here? What do I do? What can I do? I feel like I have no options.. My already broken pieces have now shattered.. I have nothing solid left inside of me.. if this isnt rock bottom, I dont know what is. The one person I looked to for comfort, my protector, my safe place, my home... is no more.
Between August and December - it was an emotional rollor coaster that never stopped. Jean flew to Australia beginning Nov to start the job and to set things up for us this side.. I stayed behind with the girls for them to finish the school year and to close shop so to speak. Sold off items, arranged the movers and container, sort out Ash, our beloved fluff-ball. It was what I thought at the time the worst 4 months of my entire life! I was so wrong! (life fuck #2)
It was during this process that I started getting my gut feelings again... I knew something was off with Jean.. he wasnt showing the right emotions. He wasnt saying the right things. He was always too busy. He was always too stressed. He wasnt communicating with me. I had no idea what was going on with him. I put it down to stress from both our sides. We were going through a major life changing event, all hell is expected to run amock during this time isnt it!? (life fuck #3)
So, the girls and I climb on the plane destined to our new and supposedly exciting adventure...
Jean was not happy to see us - not in the way I had imagined in my mind during the flight. He was snappy and distant. My gut was screaming at me now. He informed me that he has invited a friend to come stay with us for a week over Christmas. Awww.. Christmas - normally my favorite time of year. I was dreading Christmas this year. I was broken inside and my husband didnt care. I was alone.. and my husband didnt care.
Let me stop here and tell you something that I have learnt at this point... you often hear of people talking about being lonely and how soul destroying it is... and it is! Except.... for this.... being married and being lonely! This my dear people... this is so much worse, this is the ultimate soul crushing emotion in the world. This pain cuts so deep that it opens up new and past wounds. Wounds that you didnt even know existed. ... but wait - there is more... (life fuck #4)
So Jean's friend arrives, which is great.. hes happy that shes here. I havnt seen him this happy in a long time. It makes a part of me happy for him to see him happy. The week was spent with the 2 of them enjoying each others company, chatting, laughing and joking. Again - I was happy for him, he needed this I told myself. I should add in here that his friend is a lesbian, so its not what you are thinking. At the same time, while all of this happiness what going on.. it occurred to me that all of this was missing in my marriage. I became jealous.. and nasty jealous. I felt betrayed. How could MY life partner have a better relationship with someone else and not with me? How is that right? (life fuck #5)
She leaves and a few days later.. after I started asking questions in an attempt to make conversation with my husband, he drops the bomb shell... she wants to have a baby.. and asked him to be her sperm donor!... People... how do I explain in words how this tore every molecule inside my body apart! He was actually considering it! Now dont get me wrong. Im all for woman wanting to be mothers and I support it 100%. I know what its like, Im a mom and I know how much having kids is the most amazing gift in life... especially if you are going to be a single mom.. huge amount of respect here! Just not with my husband. His DNA belongs to me as far as Im concerned. I did not get married just for him to have children with another woman. Even worse.. a woman he has a close personal relationship with, so he would actually have access to this child. The girls and I would have access to this child. How does one explain to your own kids that they have a sibling.. but not really? Oh - I can go on and on about this topic and event in my life.. but not now.. Im still trying to get to the good part! I obviously freak out like only I can while trying not to throw up from the emotions of utter betrayal, shock and hurt. I calmed down enough to attempt to tell my so called life partner my side of my feelings. I will give credit, where its due here - he listened. Maybe the first time in months, he actually listened to me and he seemed to understand where I was coming from. Long story short - he agreed with me and decided not to go ahead with it as he was treating this decision as one that we would have to make together and if I didnt support it, he would respect that. (life fuck #6)
Kidney Stones.. Ive had them before and even through I have been through the motions and I know whats going on.. its never a pleasant experience. I woke up a few days later having a full on kidney stone attack. I was praying for death at this point. Praying to end my pain.. both physically and emotionally. Death never saved me, but the drugs helped. The drugs took away the physical pain and took the edge off the emotional. (life fuck #7)
Now Im going to mention at this point, that Im still a functioning human being.. Im getting up in the morning. Im cleaning house, doing laundry, ironing, dishes.. I even drive myself to the shops every now and then. Inside... Im screaming, Im crying and it hurts so much. Yet - Im positive this is just a phase! You see one thing I have learnt about life is that for every bad thing, there is a good thing... but sadly - for every good thing.. there is a bad. Its a balance you see.. Ive had times in my life that I have screamed to the Gods that care... "IS THAT IT.. IS THAT THE BEST YOU'VE GOT - BRING IT ON.. LET THE SHIT FLOW!!" - because I know.. just around the corner something magical and wonderful is going to happen and all the issues and problems will go away and it will all have been worth it!
Im still trying to stay positive at this point....
Obviously, it all become to much for me. My brain, heart and soul couldnt process such an overload and that's when I was first introduced to my dark side. My imagination was in control now and I had no power over my emotions. I started having visions of Jean having an affair with his lesbian friend.. donating his sperm himself, the good old fashioned way. He was constantly chatting to someone on Whatsapp.. he was not talking to me. He hadnt told me that he loved me in months. He stopped calling me "love" but now only by my name. My gut feeling was now not only screaming at me.. it was punching me from the inside out and trying to burst out of my chest just to reach my face for the ultimate knockout punch. I couldnt take it anymore. I was frightened. I was terrified. I was physically sick. I was forcing myself to eat and to function. I was living more in my dark side than the light. Reality didnt exist anymore. Nothing made sense. I needed help. I went to my husband, my life partner, my best friend for this help.... (life fuck #8)
I finally asked him the right question.. the question that he needed to answer and give me the answer to but I suppose he didnt know how to before. I asked him "have your feelings changed since we got married?" (life fuck #9)
Sometimes, there are things that you just know.. you know it, but you dont want to hear it... maybe you need to hear it.. but you dont want to hear it.
Jean spent the next 2 hours explaining to me how Im not the one for him anymore, he doubts I ever was, how he still loves me and the girls and wants us to be happy but how he dosnt need us. How he didnt miss us for those 6 weeks apart and how that concerned him. I listened to how he is going through a mid-life crisis, about him needing to find himself and achieve something in his life and how he feels about his life and how he dosnt see us as an achievement.. more like an anchor holding him back. He said everything that I didnt want to hear.. he also said everything that I already knew but couldnt accept before. Now that he has opened up.. and was honest with me.. now I have to process and deal with this. (life fuck #10)
Im actually happy that we had this conversation. Im proud of myself for staying calm right throughout and for just shutting the fuck up and listening. As painful as it was and is.. I can start to remove myself from the dark side and deal with whats actually happening and not what my imagination thinks is happening. I have facts to work with now.. actually real things. Im telling myself this is a good thing, but truth be told - there is nothing good about this. My whole world has crashed down ontop of me. Everything that I have held dear and cherished is gone.. just gone. The girls and I have nothing left, except each other. My worst fear is now real.. and its raw, fresh and not going to just go away.
I am in a strange country, with no friends and family, no support system, no car and no money.. and no marriage. No life partner, no friend.. no husband. I cant even go back to SA.. even through every inch of my soul is screaming to... the reason we left SA hasnt changed. We moved here to get the girls out, for them to be safe and for their future, I cant take them back, not even for my own selfish reasons.
So what now? Where do I go from here? What do I do? What can I do? I feel like I have no options.. My already broken pieces have now shattered.. I have nothing solid left inside of me.. if this isnt rock bottom, I dont know what is. The one person I looked to for comfort, my protector, my safe place, my home... is no more.
Thursday, 13 June 2013
The things "they dont tell you when you decide you want children"
Every mother at some point wishes their little bundles of cuteness had come with an instruction manual.. thats normal.. and every mother at some point realises that even if she had an instruction manual for their little bundle of joy, it wouldnt help one little bit!
We get flooded with books, magazines, articles and advice from friends and family all about pregnancy, birth, birth choices.. newborns, toddlers, what to feed them, what not to feed them, how to feed them, how not to feed them.. even how NOT to shake the living daylights out of them! (true story!!)... so it becomes an information over load... every single direction we turn we get faced with condictating facts and arb advice and knowledge that over-rides the piece of knowledge we learnt yesterday. While all this in going on, we are faced with a child(ren) that seem to smirk at us when we even attempt to put any of this knowledger into practise with them. Children have their own agenda's and will do whatever you DONT want them to do when its the least convenient time for you, in the way they feel like it at the time.. and next time (there is always a next time!) they will go about it in a different way just to keep you on your toes and keep you guessing!
To a certain degree.. man has a better chance of controlling the weather than being in 100% control 100% of the time while raising children...and its this realisation that has made me think about why there is just so much people DONT tell you about raising children.... I mean there is just SO MUCH information out there... but there is still so much of that information left out! Why is that? I will tell you why! Human nature! If you had to be told everything that no one had told you about having kids before you had kids - you probably wouldnt have had any! Im serious! Its also not a black and white area where one could actually put it all into a book and give it to a couple thinking about starting a family and saying "here, read this... when you are done I will tell you were to go to adopt a puppy instead!"... cause you are dealing with tiny little human beings... human beings that god gave free will too... with their own little personalities.. which by the way will most of the time clash with your own personality!
You ask a parent.. pull them aside and look them in the eye and ask them... just between you and them... what are the things about parenting that no one told them about... and boy oh boy... you will be in for it. Some of the stories will make you laugh, some cry.. some will make you hold your hand over your mouth while you gasp in terror! But stories there will be!
Like last night, while Dillon was getting undressed for her bath, she starts taking out handfuls of toilet paper out of her panties... WTF? So I asked her calmly why she did that.. I asked her if she was maybe leaking? No! I even asked her if she was trying to look like a boy (I kid you not!!!) No! - she informs me that her fanny was cold and she was keeping it warm! ....................
.................................
I STILL have NO words for that! What do you say to that? I have had a fanny for as long as I can remember and not once... ever.... have I remembered it getting cold!
We get flooded with books, magazines, articles and advice from friends and family all about pregnancy, birth, birth choices.. newborns, toddlers, what to feed them, what not to feed them, how to feed them, how not to feed them.. even how NOT to shake the living daylights out of them! (true story!!)... so it becomes an information over load... every single direction we turn we get faced with condictating facts and arb advice and knowledge that over-rides the piece of knowledge we learnt yesterday. While all this in going on, we are faced with a child(ren) that seem to smirk at us when we even attempt to put any of this knowledger into practise with them. Children have their own agenda's and will do whatever you DONT want them to do when its the least convenient time for you, in the way they feel like it at the time.. and next time (there is always a next time!) they will go about it in a different way just to keep you on your toes and keep you guessing!
To a certain degree.. man has a better chance of controlling the weather than being in 100% control 100% of the time while raising children...and its this realisation that has made me think about why there is just so much people DONT tell you about raising children.... I mean there is just SO MUCH information out there... but there is still so much of that information left out! Why is that? I will tell you why! Human nature! If you had to be told everything that no one had told you about having kids before you had kids - you probably wouldnt have had any! Im serious! Its also not a black and white area where one could actually put it all into a book and give it to a couple thinking about starting a family and saying "here, read this... when you are done I will tell you were to go to adopt a puppy instead!"... cause you are dealing with tiny little human beings... human beings that god gave free will too... with their own little personalities.. which by the way will most of the time clash with your own personality!
You ask a parent.. pull them aside and look them in the eye and ask them... just between you and them... what are the things about parenting that no one told them about... and boy oh boy... you will be in for it. Some of the stories will make you laugh, some cry.. some will make you hold your hand over your mouth while you gasp in terror! But stories there will be!
Like last night, while Dillon was getting undressed for her bath, she starts taking out handfuls of toilet paper out of her panties... WTF? So I asked her calmly why she did that.. I asked her if she was maybe leaking? No! I even asked her if she was trying to look like a boy (I kid you not!!!) No! - she informs me that her fanny was cold and she was keeping it warm! ....................
.................................
I STILL have NO words for that! What do you say to that? I have had a fanny for as long as I can remember and not once... ever.... have I remembered it getting cold!
Thursday, 30 May 2013
Butternut soup - THE BEST EVER!!!
This is the only soup I actually make, cause its the only soup that it worth making! A firm family fav in our household, even the girls have second helpings :)
45ml (3tbsp) butter
2 onions finely chopped
500ml (2cups) diced butternut
1 green apple peeled and diced
45ml (3tbsp) cake flour
5-10ml curry powder
pinch ground nutmeg or cumin
750ml chicken stock
375ml milk
grated rind and juice of 1 orange
salt, ground pepper and sugar
90ml cream to serve
1. Heat the butter and saute the onions until soft
2. Add butternut and apple and saute for 3 mins
3. Stir in the flour, curry powder and nutmeg and mix in with veggies
4. Add the stock, milk and orange juice with the rind to the veggies.
5. Bring to the boil and simmer slowly for 15-20mins or until the veggies are soft.
6. Puree in a food processor
7. Reheat the soup in a clean pot and season with salt, pepper and sugar.
8. Serve with a swirl of cream and fresh bread.
Tuesday, 14 May 2013
A little cooking...Banana Bread
Banana Bread
This I make often for my girls. (and Jean) - they love it and whats so cool about this one is that you dont have to make a bread out of it, just spoon the mixture into muffin tins and boom.. you have banana muffins :)
2 eggs
1 cup banana pulp
1 3/4 cups flour
1/2 tsp baking powder
1 cup sugar
1 tbsp oil
1 tsp bi-carb
1. Beat eggs and sugar together, add oil and banana. Mix WELL
2. Add flour, bi-carb and baking powder and fold in gently.
3. Bake at 180c for about 45mins or until done. (stick a tooth pick in to test if its done, but Ive learnt that as soon as you can smell the banana bread from the next room, its done!!)
This I make often for my girls. (and Jean) - they love it and whats so cool about this one is that you dont have to make a bread out of it, just spoon the mixture into muffin tins and boom.. you have banana muffins :)
2 eggs
1 cup banana pulp
1 3/4 cups flour
1/2 tsp baking powder
1 cup sugar
1 tbsp oil
1 tsp bi-carb
1. Beat eggs and sugar together, add oil and banana. Mix WELL
2. Add flour, bi-carb and baking powder and fold in gently.
3. Bake at 180c for about 45mins or until done. (stick a tooth pick in to test if its done, but Ive learnt that as soon as you can smell the banana bread from the next room, its done!!)
A little cooking - Cheese Puffs
Considering this blog is for my girls, something they can read when they are older and maybe use for some insight into life, themselves, motherhood and all the other wonderful things that comes with being an adult, I thought it might be a good idea to include some of my favorite recipes.
So girls, here they are... use them, dont use them, make up your own, discover new things and happy cooking :)
Cheese Puffs
Granny used to make these for me A LOT as a child, infact it was one of the only things she ever baked regardless of what she says!! This was it, every bake sale for school, every plate of snacks she ever had to make and take.. this was it! She used to make them fancy by slicing them open and fill them with butter and grated cheese (cause well, you can never have too much cheese hay? lol) and then sprinkle them with some fresh parsley.
Pre-Heat oven to 180c
1/2 cup of milk
1 egg
1 pinch salt
1 cup flour
1 cup grated cheese
2 tps baking powder
cayenne pepper
1. Beat egg and milk together
2. Add remaining ingredients and mix together to a smooth batter
3. Spoon into a greased muffin tin (use the really small one!!) for about 10 mins
So girls, here they are... use them, dont use them, make up your own, discover new things and happy cooking :)
Cheese Puffs
Granny used to make these for me A LOT as a child, infact it was one of the only things she ever baked regardless of what she says!! This was it, every bake sale for school, every plate of snacks she ever had to make and take.. this was it! She used to make them fancy by slicing them open and fill them with butter and grated cheese (cause well, you can never have too much cheese hay? lol) and then sprinkle them with some fresh parsley.
Pre-Heat oven to 180c
1/2 cup of milk
1 egg
1 pinch salt
1 cup flour
1 cup grated cheese
2 tps baking powder
cayenne pepper
1. Beat egg and milk together
2. Add remaining ingredients and mix together to a smooth batter
3. Spoon into a greased muffin tin (use the really small one!!) for about 10 mins
Monday, 13 May 2013
Good Enough
I remember after Dillon was born, I read all 3 of Sam Cowen's books about her experiences as a new mom, a second time mom and the ups and downs, highs and lows that came with it. Reading about someone elses life experiences can be funny, amusing and at times thankfull for your own life.
I sit here in my home on a Monday morning thinking about my life. Am I a good enough mother, good enough wife, good enough daughter, even a good enough friend. The answer is not a clear cut out black and white answer is it? Sometimes I deserve a friggen award for some of the shit I deal with, more importantly HOW I deal with it... sometimes, I should be dragged out into the road and shot and used as a prime example of how not to act!
Am I perfect? Hell no.. but show me someone who is? So if I am "normal" then why do I have these feelings of inadequacies when it comes to my personal relationships? I feel that I give more than my fair share of understanding, I would drop everything to help a friend in need, I love my children more than life itself, I am grateful for everything my husband does and provides for us and I make a point of showing it to him.. so why do I always feel like Im not liked? Why do I always feel like Im getting the short end of the stick?
This is something the shrink picked up when I went to see him about my low self esteem about motherhood... even through he assured me that I am by no means a bad mother, infact he had some very positive things to say, he was still concerned about my low self worth and when he wanted to dig deeper with this.. I stopped going to see him. Maybe that was a bad choice? Maybe I should have looked into this more? Maybe it is all in my head and maybe I should just put my big girl panties and get over it.
I miss my girls right now, I feel like scooping them up in my arms and just holding them tight! I think about all the friends that I have lost over the years, some of those friendships I ended cause it was a toxic relationship, some ended it with me.. some we just drifted apart and I think to myself how sad it is that I once had a connection with these people. They were all once very dear to me and how they are just no more apart of my life. The friendships might have ended cause I might have been a bad friend, I might have been a bad person to them, but when I look at my girls, I know deep down that I cant be that bad. I have made 2 very special little people, so full of love and beauty. If making them was the only good I have ever done in my life, then my life was well spent!
I sit here in my home on a Monday morning thinking about my life. Am I a good enough mother, good enough wife, good enough daughter, even a good enough friend. The answer is not a clear cut out black and white answer is it? Sometimes I deserve a friggen award for some of the shit I deal with, more importantly HOW I deal with it... sometimes, I should be dragged out into the road and shot and used as a prime example of how not to act!
Am I perfect? Hell no.. but show me someone who is? So if I am "normal" then why do I have these feelings of inadequacies when it comes to my personal relationships? I feel that I give more than my fair share of understanding, I would drop everything to help a friend in need, I love my children more than life itself, I am grateful for everything my husband does and provides for us and I make a point of showing it to him.. so why do I always feel like Im not liked? Why do I always feel like Im getting the short end of the stick?
This is something the shrink picked up when I went to see him about my low self esteem about motherhood... even through he assured me that I am by no means a bad mother, infact he had some very positive things to say, he was still concerned about my low self worth and when he wanted to dig deeper with this.. I stopped going to see him. Maybe that was a bad choice? Maybe I should have looked into this more? Maybe it is all in my head and maybe I should just put my big girl panties and get over it.
I miss my girls right now, I feel like scooping them up in my arms and just holding them tight! I think about all the friends that I have lost over the years, some of those friendships I ended cause it was a toxic relationship, some ended it with me.. some we just drifted apart and I think to myself how sad it is that I once had a connection with these people. They were all once very dear to me and how they are just no more apart of my life. The friendships might have ended cause I might have been a bad friend, I might have been a bad person to them, but when I look at my girls, I know deep down that I cant be that bad. I have made 2 very special little people, so full of love and beauty. If making them was the only good I have ever done in my life, then my life was well spent!
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