Good Enough

I remember after Dillon was born, I read all 3 of Sam Cowen's books about her experiences as a new mom, a second time mom and the ups and downs, highs and lows that came with it. Reading about someone elses life experiences can be funny, amusing and at times thankfull for your own life.

I sit here in my home on a Monday morning thinking about my life. Am I a good enough mother, good enough wife, good enough daughter, even a good enough friend. The answer is not a clear cut out black and white answer is it? Sometimes I deserve a friggen award for some of the shit I deal with, more importantly HOW I deal with it... sometimes, I should be dragged out into the road and shot and used as a prime example of how not to act!

Am I perfect? Hell no.. but show me someone who is? So if I am "normal" then why do I have these feelings of inadequacies when it comes to my personal relationships? I feel that I give more than my fair share of understanding, I would drop everything to help a friend in need, I love my children more than life itself, I am grateful for everything my husband does and provides for us and I make a point of showing it to him.. so why do I always feel like Im not liked? Why do I always feel like Im getting the short end of the stick?

This is something the shrink picked up when I went to see him about my low self esteem about motherhood... even through he assured me that I am by no means a bad mother, infact he had some very positive things to say, he was still concerned about my low self worth and when he wanted to dig deeper with this.. I stopped going to see him. Maybe that was a bad choice? Maybe I should have looked into this more? Maybe it is all in my head and maybe I should just put my big girl panties and get over it.

I miss my girls right now, I feel like scooping them up in my arms and just holding them tight! I think about all the friends that I have lost over the years, some of those friendships I ended cause it was a toxic relationship, some ended it with me.. some we just drifted apart and I think to myself how sad it is that I once had a connection with these people. They were all once very dear to me and how they are just no more apart of my life. The friendships might have ended cause I might have been a bad friend, I might have been a bad person to them, but when I look at my girls, I know deep down that I cant be that bad. I have made 2 very special little people, so full of love and beauty. If making them was the only good I have ever done in my life, then my life was well spent!