It was 2 August 2018 when we heard that our Australian visa's were granted. We were actively toying with the idea for a few years already and I admit, I was putting it off due to the fact that I had my concerns. Leaving our home country, family and friends.. but mostly.. I had a deep gut feeling that our marriage wouldnt survive the adventure. (life fuck #1)
Between August and December - it was an emotional rollor coaster that never stopped. Jean flew to Australia beginning Nov to start the job and to set things up for us this side.. I stayed behind with the girls for them to finish the school year and to close shop so to speak. Sold off items, arranged the movers and container, sort out Ash, our beloved fluff-ball. It was what I thought at the time the worst 4 months of my entire life! I was so wrong! (life fuck #2)
It was during this process that I started getting my gut feelings again... I knew something was off with Jean.. he wasnt showing the right emotions. He wasnt saying the right things. He was always too busy. He was always too stressed. He wasnt communicating with me. I had no idea what was going on with him. I put it down to stress from both our sides. We were going through a major life changing event, all hell is expected to run amock during this time isnt it!? (life fuck #3)
So, the girls and I climb on the plane destined to our new and supposedly exciting adventure...
Jean was not happy to see us - not in the way I had imagined in my mind during the flight. He was snappy and distant. My gut was screaming at me now. He informed me that he has invited a friend to come stay with us for a week over Christmas. Awww.. Christmas - normally my favorite time of year. I was dreading Christmas this year. I was broken inside and my husband didnt care. I was alone.. and my husband didnt care.
Let me stop here and tell you something that I have learnt at this point... you often hear of people talking about being lonely and how soul destroying it is... and it is! Except.... for this.... being married and being lonely! This my dear people... this is so much worse, this is the ultimate soul crushing emotion in the world. This pain cuts so deep that it opens up new and past wounds. Wounds that you didnt even know existed. ... but wait - there is more... (life fuck #4)
So Jean's friend arrives, which is great.. hes happy that shes here. I havnt seen him this happy in a long time. It makes a part of me happy for him to see him happy. The week was spent with the 2 of them enjoying each others company, chatting, laughing and joking. Again - I was happy for him, he needed this I told myself. I should add in here that his friend is a lesbian, so its not what you are thinking. At the same time, while all of this happiness what going on.. it occurred to me that all of this was missing in my marriage. I became jealous.. and nasty jealous. I felt betrayed. How could MY life partner have a better relationship with someone else and not with me? How is that right? (life fuck #5)
She leaves and a few days later.. after I started asking questions in an attempt to make conversation with my husband, he drops the bomb shell... she wants to have a baby.. and asked him to be her sperm donor!... People... how do I explain in words how this tore every molecule inside my body apart! He was actually considering it! Now dont get me wrong. Im all for woman wanting to be mothers and I support it 100%. I know what its like, Im a mom and I know how much having kids is the most amazing gift in life... especially if you are going to be a single mom.. huge amount of respect here! Just not with my husband. His DNA belongs to me as far as Im concerned. I did not get married just for him to have children with another woman. Even worse.. a woman he has a close personal relationship with, so he would actually have access to this child. The girls and I would have access to this child. How does one explain to your own kids that they have a sibling.. but not really? Oh - I can go on and on about this topic and event in my life.. but not now.. Im still trying to get to the good part! I obviously freak out like only I can while trying not to throw up from the emotions of utter betrayal, shock and hurt. I calmed down enough to attempt to tell my so called life partner my side of my feelings. I will give credit, where its due here - he listened. Maybe the first time in months, he actually listened to me and he seemed to understand where I was coming from. Long story short - he agreed with me and decided not to go ahead with it as he was treating this decision as one that we would have to make together and if I didnt support it, he would respect that. (life fuck #6)
Kidney Stones.. Ive had them before and even through I have been through the motions and I know whats going on.. its never a pleasant experience. I woke up a few days later having a full on kidney stone attack. I was praying for death at this point. Praying to end my pain.. both physically and emotionally. Death never saved me, but the drugs helped. The drugs took away the physical pain and took the edge off the emotional. (life fuck #7)
Now Im going to mention at this point, that Im still a functioning human being.. Im getting up in the morning. Im cleaning house, doing laundry, ironing, dishes.. I even drive myself to the shops every now and then. Inside... Im screaming, Im crying and it hurts so much. Yet - Im positive this is just a phase! You see one thing I have learnt about life is that for every bad thing, there is a good thing... but sadly - for every good thing.. there is a bad. Its a balance you see.. Ive had times in my life that I have screamed to the Gods that care... "IS THAT IT.. IS THAT THE BEST YOU'VE GOT - BRING IT ON.. LET THE SHIT FLOW!!" - because I know.. just around the corner something magical and wonderful is going to happen and all the issues and problems will go away and it will all have been worth it!
Im still trying to stay positive at this point....
Obviously, it all become to much for me. My brain, heart and soul couldnt process such an overload and that's when I was first introduced to my dark side. My imagination was in control now and I had no power over my emotions. I started having visions of Jean having an affair with his lesbian friend.. donating his sperm himself, the good old fashioned way. He was constantly chatting to someone on Whatsapp.. he was not talking to me. He hadnt told me that he loved me in months. He stopped calling me "love" but now only by my name. My gut feeling was now not only screaming at me.. it was punching me from the inside out and trying to burst out of my chest just to reach my face for the ultimate knockout punch. I couldnt take it anymore. I was frightened. I was terrified. I was physically sick. I was forcing myself to eat and to function. I was living more in my dark side than the light. Reality didnt exist anymore. Nothing made sense. I needed help. I went to my husband, my life partner, my best friend for this help.... (life fuck #8)
I finally asked him the right question.. the question that he needed to answer and give me the answer to but I suppose he didnt know how to before. I asked him "have your feelings changed since we got married?" (life fuck #9)
Sometimes, there are things that you just know.. you know it, but you dont want to hear it... maybe you need to hear it.. but you dont want to hear it.
Jean spent the next 2 hours explaining to me how Im not the one for him anymore, he doubts I ever was, how he still loves me and the girls and wants us to be happy but how he dosnt need us. How he didnt miss us for those 6 weeks apart and how that concerned him. I listened to how he is going through a mid-life crisis, about him needing to find himself and achieve something in his life and how he feels about his life and how he dosnt see us as an achievement.. more like an anchor holding him back. He said everything that I didnt want to hear.. he also said everything that I already knew but couldnt accept before. Now that he has opened up.. and was honest with me.. now I have to process and deal with this. (life fuck #10)
Im actually happy that we had this conversation. Im proud of myself for staying calm right throughout and for just shutting the fuck up and listening. As painful as it was and is.. I can start to remove myself from the dark side and deal with whats actually happening and not what my imagination thinks is happening. I have facts to work with now.. actually real things. Im telling myself this is a good thing, but truth be told - there is nothing good about this. My whole world has crashed down ontop of me. Everything that I have held dear and cherished is gone.. just gone. The girls and I have nothing left, except each other. My worst fear is now real.. and its raw, fresh and not going to just go away.
I am in a strange country, with no friends and family, no support system, no car and no money.. and no marriage. No life partner, no friend.. no husband. I cant even go back to SA.. even through every inch of my soul is screaming to... the reason we left SA hasnt changed. We moved here to get the girls out, for them to be safe and for their future, I cant take them back, not even for my own selfish reasons.
So what now? Where do I go from here? What do I do? What can I do? I feel like I have no options.. My already broken pieces have now shattered.. I have nothing solid left inside of me.. if this isnt rock bottom, I dont know what is. The one person I looked to for comfort, my protector, my safe place, my home... is no more.
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